Spectrum Wolf

Correcting a Facebook Fail

2011-11-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

So there’s this little paragraph getting reposted around Facebook:

“Yes, I’m a female. I push doors that clearly say PULL. I laugh harder when I try to explain why I’m laughing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there. I count on my fingers. I hide pain from loved ones. I say it is a long story, when it really is not, just to get out of having to tell it. I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care about people who don’t care about me. I am strong because I have to be, not because I want to be. I listen to you, even when you don’t listen to me. And a hug will always help. Yes, I am a GIRL!!!! Re-post if you’re a lady and proud of it!”

Um, excuse me, but no. It’s more like:

Yes, I’m a female, thank you for not assuming I am. I don’t push doors that clearly say PULL because most doors in fact require pulling, not pushing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there, because sometimes I get distracted. I count on my fingers when I feel like it. I hide pain from loved ones because I’m more interested in helping them through theirs. I say it’s a long story because most of the time it really is a long story, in addition to being unpleasant to retell. I cry a lot more than you think I do, because you don’t think about how often human beings really cry. I care about people who don’t care about me because that’s how I run my life. I am strong because I want to be, I don’t “have” to be anything, thank you. I listen to you, even when you don’t listen to me, because I believe in helping others. And a hug will always help- because I am HUMAN. Re-post if you’re sick of people stereotyping what it means to be a woman.

For Jamey.

2011-09-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I hope you aren't feeling pleased with society today, because I'm about to completely kill that for you if that's the case. If you aren't interested in my verbally punching society in the face, it may be a grand idea to not read this particular post.

Jamey Rodemeyer. You may or may not have heard his name pretty recently. He was a 14-year old gay kid who just started high school. He was a selfless kid who always put his friends before himself. An avid Lady Gaga fan, he planned to attend a school dance in a dress modeled after one of hers. He often included her songs in his social networking, such as the "It Gets Better" video he made on Youtube or the lyrics he'd post on Tumblr. He always kept up with Queer news and was clearly on his way to becoming a great activist. He's the kind of kid I'd love to be friends with.

And in case you're wondering, he's dead.

Because, once again, someone else decided that they weren't comfortable with his sexuality and had to take it out on him. And so they did. They bullied him at school and online, leaving hateful comments about his looks, sexuality, and very existence. It was so bad that therapy and parental support weren't enough to make him feel better. So he killed himself.

I can't express everything I'm feeling right now. A lot of unadulterated rage. Overwhelming pain. Complete failure. It's sickening. I've held this in for a week and I can't anymore. A member of my community, a little brother, killed himself. I want to cry but I can't yet. This is so fucked up. And I won't take this sitting down. I am SICK of this. Sick of little fucking bullies learning from big fucking bullies that it's cool to torment someone over their sexuality. Sick of lawmakers not doing a fucking thing to help because they're afraid of what their constituents would think. Sick of schools not making an effort to prevent this or stop it when it starts. Sick of crying parents and heartbroken siblings. Sick of goodbye posts and the feeling that I have failed in my mission again.

Last year around this time, Tyler Clementi, Asher brown, and other kids in our community took their lives after being bullied, just like Jamey. And when that happened, I went through this process, broke down and reformed, with a promise to those kids and myself that I would do anything it takes to make this a better world for my community. I still have a candle dedicated to those children on my desk next to a purple ribbon. I've lobbied at the Texas capital on their behalf, and received a non-specific, half-assed anti-bullying law for my efforts. No, Jamey is not from Texas, but I know people all over the U.S. lobbied for those kids last year. It is clear now that it is not enough.

We need to change everything. The concept that queer is abnormal, that it's something shameful or sinful, that it's something scary. That parents shouldn't talk to their kids about it when they're little. That it's enough to let celebrities like Lady Gaga take up the cause while we sit here and grieve, "oh, how sad that that happened to him" (that happened to US ALL). That it's enough for lawmakers to hand us a non-specific law, say you're welcome, and return to ignoring us.

And so we rediscover the concept that no problem is as simple as it looks. You can say this was a problem between Jamey and some brats. But that's not just it. You can bring in the parents of each side, and the school. But that's not just it. You can bring in lawmakers that control these schools. But that's not just it. This is a problem brought on by the entirety of our self-serving, conformity-loving society. And as you can see, it trickles down through all the branches that make a society, until it chews away at people who are different. People like Jamey. People like me.

I'll take this moment to finally come out. I was Jamey. I had support from my family, had a therapist, gave as much as I could to my friends, but I was absolutely dying inside. People couldn't handle my queerness. I'd be at Baylor, surrounded by the gay jokes, the condescension, the hell-bound remarks, the argument that I didn't know enough about life or myself to be Queer, the threat of rape to turn me straight. No one wanted to help me get over my breakup because it was a Lesbian breakup. No one wanted to help me find other people in my community. No one wanted to hear my discontent. It was my job to suck it up. So it wasn't very hard to find a bridge, a rooftop, or a knife, and contemplate sticking around for the next joke. There were so many times. I came so close to never making it to the next school. And if I hadn't, I'm positive I wouldn't be here.

But the thing is, I did make it. I don't know why I survived and Jamey didn't. I just know I kept seeing my family's faces whenever I'd be on a bridge, and I'd procrastinate a little longer. But I made it to the next place. And I found my community. I found my best friends, my mentor, the girl I'm falling for, my hidden talents, my strengths, my weaknesses, my voice, my favorite places, my relief. And the thing that kills me the most is knowing that I found all this and Jamey never will. I know exactly what he missed. I would have shared all of it with him, but I can't. Society killed him before we could even meet.

My point with all this is that you really have no idea how close this problem is to you. I don't look like someone who'd consider jumping off a bridge, but I was. Jamey seemed like a happy kid to his friends, and he's dead now. We're both fighters, but society managed to take one of us out. These misconceptions are killing people. So when I tell you that we need to be having conversations over sexuality, that we need to take care of each other, that we need to be DOING more, I mean it. I have a lot of visits, phonecalls, and general outreach that I'll be doing because of this now. This is something that affects everyone. This is something you can help prevent.

Rest in peace, Jamey. I renew and include you in my promise to do whatever it takes to help the Queer community. And I am so, so sorry.

School is Just Another Word for Insanity

2011-09-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

School is going to make it a lot harder to post on this thing consistently. I'm taking a bunch of reading-intensive classes and helping out a lot of Queer groups, and it leaves very little time for this. But I tryyyy.

A lot has happened in the past 2 weeks or so, and it's a lot to get my head around. I guess first off, that post I had a while back about being really sad that someone I knew talked smack about StandOut? Turns out both a friend and I misinterpreted her entirely. Which frankly is awesome. If I could be wrong about things like that all the time I'd be a much happier person in general.

Lately I've been getting to bond with my Peers for Pride teacher, Shane. I don't mind giving out hir name on here because ze is awesome 100% of the time. I think everyone should have a Shane, someone they can talk to about anything who will empathize and guide. I guess Shane is my mentor, but it also feels like ze is a long lost friend or a godparent or something. I'm working on figuring out what gap ze fills in my heart (I honestly don't mean to sound pathetic, but there are a lot). Either way I'm glad ze's around. I feel a lot less anxious.

That has been something that's perplexing for me. When I was little, if something didn't go as planned (ie. most things that involved my bio-dad) or if I had an audition, I used to get bad anxiety. Eventually this only happened if I had an audition, and became sort of a stage fright that I could shut down with my will. Now, for some reason, I seem to have anxiety again. Not situational, just anxiety in general. I don't know why. Things aren't perfect around here, but I've been through worse and I was fine. So what is this? Why is it that lately I can't seem to protect my mind from anything? I'm scrambling to figure out how to fix this, but all I've noticed is that I feel fine if Shane is with me or if I'm in a StandOut/GetEQUAL meeting. The GSC has limited effects so far. Whatever this is, it needs to stop.

On the note of StandOut, things are going well. The awareness campaign is in the process of being planned, we're a step closer to gender-neutral housing by a stroke of luck, and we've done some cross-references with a faculty list that should help us with domestic partner benefits. I now have a bit of a time limit because our first demonstration is in two weeks, and the rest of the group won't know this for two days. Not much time to plan an action, which makes me thankful that this is just a student group.

GetEQUAL, on the other hand, is getting a ton done in all the time we've been planning this statewide march/wedding. We have a lot of cities with us such as Austin, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, Odessa, Huntsville, and Brownsville (there are more small ones but I don't remember them all). We sold shirts at Austin Pride to help fund the event, and made about $300. People are grabbing up fliers and are already excited. I still need to figure out what the hell I'm wearing. It's a matter of time before we let the press know what we're up to. This is pretty damn exciting. Marriage isn't my number-one issue, but I'm all over this. Then again, scaring the Religious Right is always on my to-do list.

The Queer Texas Conference is actually the same day as the march/wedding, and they're still looking for workshops. I actually considered running one that would cover different kinds of activism and examples/advice for each, but I decided not to. For one thing, it'd probably be awkward just because I am a student. While that doesn't make a difference in other places, it makes a difference here. For another, I'm not sure if I have enough material to last an hour. I might? I don't know. As it is, I'm not sure I have enough time to put an hour-long presentation together. Maybe next year.

On an entirely separate note, how are you? I still don't really know who bothers reading this. I hope you're doing well. Feel free to tell me about your day or something.

Till next time.

Activism Makes Everything Better

2011-09-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

Things are mostly improved since my last blog, and I basically credit StandOut with that. Excuse me while I joyfully relive the first meeting.

So, we decided for the first meeting that we'd try something different and have people write down what queer issues matter to them, who inspires them, what brought them to StandOut, and how they would make real change. We gathered up our supplies and went to the room, expecting maybe 20 people.

So imagine our surprise when more than 50 people walked in and sat down.

We didn't have enough chairs and we were way over room capacity. I was so excited I wanted to start dancing. We launched into our ice-breaker game, introduced ourselves and the group, had our agenda talk, and got to the posters. Everyone walked around and wrote down their ideas and reasons. It became apparent that this year's group is a very smart, creative group. I was in charge of monitoring the 'how do we make change' poster, and the answers on there were excellent. "Stick together," "Educate and relate", "Reach out to conservative universities", and my personal favorite "Have scandalous affairs with GOP candidates" were just a few of the great answers I saw. We went around the room and had a discussion based on the answers, and decided that we're also adopting homeless LGBT youth as one of our issues. We also discussed protecting the GSC, so Torsten and I got a chance to talk in one of our areas of expertise.

After the meeting we invited everyone to go to a frozen yogurt place with us, and most people took off while I helped Torsten clean up. I decided to keep the posters both for data (which I'll put up on Facebook soon) and as a souvenir. Then a fellow student walked in and apologized to me for a bunch of stuff, which was rather surprising and left me not really sure how to deal with him. Which seems to be a running theme of my life this month. Anyway, he and two other good friends accompanied me to TCBY, and more good conversations took place over the night. The main effect it had for me was further cementing how in love I am with the StandOut members.

So I walked out of that basically feeling the best I have since summer started. Which leads me to the theory that activism somehow makes everything better for me. The high points in my summer are all related to activism in some way. And at this point it's the only occasion that allows my brain chemistry stability (any other time I'm very up and down). So this will be a symbiotic relationship, in which the members get the opportunity to make a difference and I get the opportunity to experience something akin to sanity. :D

Queer Carnival is a perfect example of this. In the class I had earlier that day we discussed topics that coincided with some things I've had to deal with lately or people I've been extremely worried about. I had to actively fight my brain to feel good. But the second I had to start gathering supplies for Carnival, it vanished. And eventually I was elated just doing StandOut and talking with Katie about meeting up. I don't know why this works, I'm trying to figure it out. It may be that I actually feel useful, or just that I have so many positive associations with StandOut that my brain uses a different (but not yet automatic) path of neurons. I don't really know. I'm just glad there's something at all. In the meantime, I am trying to self-treat my brain with fish oil pills. Because apparently God provided us with fish as a way of saying, "Cheer the fuck up you silly bastards!"

Will do, God. Will do.

Summer is Ending

2011-08-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

I AM SO HAPPY. I am days away from having THINGS TO DO. And even though I'll lose sleep and be ridiculously busy and under pressure, I can't wait. These years in college are my years. I'm spending them well.

This summer has been rather eye-opening for me in terms of activism. As I see it, there are 3 types of activism: political, radical, and home-based. All of these can intersect, but usually home-based activism is the one that intersects with the other two. While at UT, most of the work I did was political. Lobbying, petitions, meetings, volunteering, etc. Along with that came the home-based stuff I always do, like blogging, sharing news, spreading the culture, etc. But I didn't get much of a chance to try radical activism until summer. Having participated in it now, two things are clearer to me than before.

One, these types of activism do not need to compete. An oddity I see a lot is political activists looking down on/criticizing radical activists, while radical activists insist that political activists get nothing done. Both sides are wrong. Radical activism, so long as it is non-violent, achieves a multitude of benefits. It gives the community a chance to feel empowered, it spreads a strong message that the media almost always pays attention to, and it influences our politicians or the public's view of them. Political activism lets the community understand the system that holds them back, allows them to take part in the process, helps them find political allies, and directly influences politicians.

Two, these types of activism do not need to be separate. I say this because I intend to dabble quite a bit in both. Granted, I can do this because my future (as I know it) is not in politics, so I have the freedom to do that. I said I'd do whatever it takes to bring about equality and I meant it. Whether it means dealing with snobby legislative assistants or almost getting run down by a van makes little difference to me. In the streets or in the capital, either way it's good work being done, friendships and alliances being made. I will gladly do both. I know there will be criticism aimed at me for doing so, and I honestly don't care. Folks would do well to notice that petty divisions don't win equality.

On a separate note, it looks like I am completely back on the market, as they say. It's become clear that things won't work out as I'd hoped, and admittedly it hurts a bit, but it's not bad. It's a new year anyway. But to those of you who were rooting for me on this, thank you. This whole thing was overall really helpful in helping me get past some stuff while highlighting some issues that need to be fixed. Thanks again guys.

Also, I love the Queer Cabin and its inhabitants. So far it's just me and Aria living here (with Emily visiting), but it's been peaceful and relaxing. Aria's been awesome enough to cook for me and both she and Emily are helping me out with the above paragraph. I'm getting the hang of cooking stuff myself as well. We're having trouble finding a bus route that's close to the house from UT, but otherwise this place is perfect. I'm seriously grateful to be here.

On one last note, Spencer just introduced me to "My Drunk Kitchen" on Youtube. You should watch it. The taco one and the ice cream one are the best.

Till next time.

Perry's Day of Fail

2011-08-07T23:31:00.000-07:00

Now that it's all been said and done, I can finally tell you about the August 6th action GetEQUAL and I did to protest Perry's day of prayer (or rather, his day of bashing LGBT's/non-Christians). A bit of explaining will definitely be necessary if you've already seen pictures and videos.

So, our original plan was to infiltrate the stadium and send up a banner held up by balloons with our message on it (ie Perry/AFA = hate, etc). We tried and tried to plan this out, but our test runs proved that the balloons would not cooperate with our plan, and it was too easy to mess up. So we decided on a simple banner drop with zip-ties. The reason I couldn't say anything is because that's actually an arrestable action. Disrupting a meeting can keep you in jail for a day or 3. And so my job was to be in charge of safety. I would have to have people at every entrance ready to contact me, the lawyer's phone number on me, knowledge of every precinct in the area and their phone numbers, the bail money, the arrest numbers, and someone with me to record my interaction with the officers arresting Team 1 (the arrestables).

However, two days before the action, we found out that GetEQUAL National spent its money on a Memphis conference. Which meant no bail money. Which is bad. And just like that, months of planning died. But we quickly came up with another idea: to march a coffin up and down the protest symbolizing the suicides/homicides of the LGBT community, brought about by rhetoric such as Governor Perry's. Immediately our friend pulled an all-nighter making this coffin, our adorable lesbian couple made paper bodies covered in the names of victims, and the rest of us worked on signs, detailing the press, and last-minute details. Realizing I could now invite friends to join me, I got Emily in on our plans.

On August 6th I woke myself up at 5:45 am and got ready (defined as showering and drinking half a gallon of water). We finally met outside a hotel at 7, and I got all my hugs from the group who hadn't seen me since Harvey Milk Day. We staked out our spot next to Reliant, and watched the insanity slowly unfurl.

We walked past Westboro Baptist Church shouting that it was "too late to pray, for America is DOOMED", and started laughing really hard and talked to a small group of atheists next to us. I was thinking about how it was great that a few of them came, when I heard a noise and looked up. They had a PLANE. o_o It had a message tail that condoned separation of church and state. Right as I was getting over that, a van drove past from the same atheist organization vilifying Perry and calling for the same principle. Moral: Atheists know how to organize. Eventually though, hundreds of LGBT folks showed up, with hundreds of rainbow flags. There was all manner of crazy things. There was a man dressed as Santa Claus. There were 2 guys walking around dressed as Perry and Obama with plastic, bloody saws. There was a small jazz band. There were feminists dressed in all-pink singing refurbished Disney songs to suit the situation. It was a merry zoo.

In spite of the insanity, the press zoned in on us quick. There were a ton of photos, videos, and interviews. We held our first funeral procession with the jazz band leading us down the street. As we held our banners and signs, people driving by would honk their horns in support of us. It was quickly obvious that most of Houston was with us on this, and it was refreshing. Everyone protesting became a sort of family. I was offered water by complete strangers, an elder lady gave me some sunscreen, and people steadily networked with me. We sung together, danced together, chanted together...it was amazing. Emily made it in time for our second funeral procession, in which we chanted the usual activist chants and sang a little "We Shall Overcome."

As all this occurred, we could hear what was happening inside the stadium. It was kind of scary. One lady said that God sent Hitler to kill the Jews for the Christians. Perry himself, in a rare moment of his speech where he wasn't insisting that this wasn't a political move, said that he had no room in his heart for anyone who isn't a god-fearing Christian. I wanted to see what Westboro would respond with, and then I noticed they were gone, replaced by a horde of rainbow flags and jolly teenagers.

We had one last funeral procession that I helped lead. We sang "We Shall Overcome" the entire time, and marched away from the event. We all finally stopped and started praising each other and networking and cooling off. I held onto the banner and idly noticed that I couldn't feel my arms. We ate at one of my favorite restaurants, where I mostly chatted with Emily and JD, and then we parted ways. Poor Jay was so tired and overheated he forgot to kiss me goodbye.

As I write this and relive it mentally, it's almost hard to believe it was a protest. It felt more like a party full of creative strangers. I came out of it exhausted, sore, and sunburned, but I would do it again tomorrow. You all are worth that to me. GetEQUAL has quickly become another family for me, and thankfully a good number of us are Austinites. It's time to work on our next goal: Texas marriage equality. And believe me, this time I'll be asking for your help. It's going to be epic.

Till next time.

Cheerful Update

2011-08-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

Things are progressing well at this point, thankfully. August is finally here, which is both scary and exciting, and as such a lot of deadlines are coming up quickly. And no one's more excited about it than me.

The Queer Cabin is almost completely set up. It is beautiful. Being reunited with my friends for the weekend was seriously therapeutic and dissolved a lot of worries I had for the year. We set up the house and joined my realtor at Eddie V's for dinner. I don't know if you've heard of Eddie V's. It's one of the most famous restaurants in Austin though. And it has live jazz music. Which basically made me act like I was high. The waiter was laughing so hard at me he couldn't finish telling me about the specials. For I was more special. o_o And so of course that carried into the night, and after I made tea for everyone we had this long/crazy/hilarious talk about sex. We have decided that the worst noise one can make during sex would be that of a goat. Don't do it.

And then I proceeded not to sleep as I learned that Brian snores like a freight train, and that it's impossible to successfully sleep on half a couch. Earplugs. That's what's up.

Moving away from that into activism, it is officially 6 days before I carry out the biggest action I've done as an activist. Everything has been approved by national and we're ready to go. My part of this is pretty awesome, I look forward to telling you guys about it when it's done. The strange catch is that we might not have to do anything. There's a rumor that our super-special friend might not even attend the event we're crashing. Which would mean he succumbed to our demands, and we'll brag about it in the papers. Win-win.

I've given a lot of thought into my issues with StandOut, and I've decided that I'm going to stop pushing as much. It's about the group, not me and the officers. I said I'd cater to the group and I meant it. This is supposed to be something from which everyone can gain and grow. I will channel my focus into that and being sure we carry out what the group intends. So, in a strange way, problem solved. If GetEQUAL and StandOut never meet, that's okay. I actually don't mind keeping my action groups separate. As it is, there's something I'm working on by myself that will eventually involve everyone anyway.

I suppose I'll end there for now.

Till next time.

Brain Overload on Life and Racism

2011-07-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

It is fucking 3:30 in the morning and my brain is acting like I just got out of a psych class. This is why I wake up late. And yes, I will probably cuss in here a lot because I'm tired and just want to sleep. First a personal thing and then political.

So, personal. Summer is doing seriously not great things to my head, and I really don't appreciate it. I knew back at UT that the work and business was a great distraction from all this, and I never appreciated how much until now. I am bored and restless and have way too much time to think about things. And that wouldn't be so bad except that this has to happen in a place full of unpleasant memories. It's triggering. And I go to sleep and I have nightmares about these things and wake up with questions I don't want. I can't figure out in a few situations here if I'm even doing the right thing. Some shots are easy to call (ie don't go to the saxophone party full of homophobes), some I'm still trying to figure out (ie what the hell is my homophobic ex-best friend doing following me on Twitter?). Some of the people who have hurt me here are easy to avoid. Effortless, in fact. I don't want to see them again and I won't. Others are more complicated. I want the courage to ask why they're still interested in my life, but I don't have it. It's a sense of dread towards the conversation vs the nightmares I keep having. It is fucking exhausting.

Yeah sorry that wasn't pleasant. Neither is the next topic. But it's important.

Racism. It seriously disturbs me that it's still even an issue. I read about how Obama gets less respect from members of congress and the people simply because he's black, and about how the wealth gap between white and minorities (namely blacks) is the widest it's ever been. And also how, in fact, how "bad" a neighborhood is is determined by how "black" it is. It pisses me off. So much. And I've had the whole day to think about it. I've experienced some reverse racism and been discriminated against as a woman and a lesbian, but it's not the same as racism. So I did the blunt thing I tend to do and asked Kevin, Ming, Brian and Aj about it. The first two are Asian, the latter two are African American. Granted, this isn't a huge study or anything, but I did find something weird. Both the Asians only experienced racism as small children (usually in the form of stupid children saying gibberish and asking what they said in Chinese), while the African Americans experience it to this day.

It raises some questions for me. Like, why the hell is that? Where the hell are small children learning that gibberish = Chinese, and that it's funny? Why aren't children being taught to interact with all races? And why is it that racism against blacks lasts forever while the kind against Asians seems to fade? Is it somehow easier for the white majority to assimilate Asians? Is it because Asians didn't notably fight back when whites were shoving them into camps during the war (think about it, do you know any famous Asian American activists?)? Are people discriminating against blacks longer because they have a lower number of graduates than Asians (who tend to outdo all other races educationally)? Are white people more afraid of African Americans than Asians? If so, why? Where are small children learning to fear and make fun of African Americans?

And of course the best question of all, 'It's 20-fucking-11, why the hell is this STILL an issue?'

It bothers me more than I can convey. I grew up in a ghetto. As a child, I didn't get the concept of racism. I was the minority, all my friends were black and Hispanic, and we all treated each other great. We saw ourselves as being different crayons in the same box. And the funny thing is, the kids completely outdid the adults at that. I see now that my teachers placed higher expectations on me than they did my peers. It angers me now, knowing that a ton of those kids needed someone to believe in them too. My father was a complete bastard of a racist, and we constantly fought about it later on. It was how I learned what racism was (he was also sexist and anti-gay, so clearly we were destined to get along). And now I'm here today. Upgraded metaphor (we're different shades of the same gradient; race is a social mechanism that isn't even real), but I still don't see why the hell this is an issue. I wish it wasn't. There's a hesitation to trust me that I see in a few of my black friends, and it hurts like hell, but I can't blame them. I just wish I could change the entire fucking system. This is ridiculous and it hurts everybody.

I guess this whole thing ended up being a tired rant. Scary Lesbian for you. Hopefully we all work together to change this, the way I'll be working on fixing my personal stuff.

Till next time.

I Don't Have to Title This and You Can't Make Me

2011-07-25T01:28:00.000-07:00

I actually don't know how much of this will be political in advance, so if you're on here to read politics I think you can skip this post. I think we're talking my life for a bit since I haven't done that in a while.

I don't think I have a word for how things have been lately. There's been a lot of thinking and internal struggle and the overall result has been a general feeling of discomfort. Starting with this blog, actually. As more and more people find me on here I make my posts more and more political instead of personal. Not that the two don't overlap, but it wasn't supposed to be this way. And I recognize that this indicates a hesitance in letting too many people into my head. No matter how the interaction goes, I'm more like a mirror than a person in a lot of ways. I know that isn't fair, especially to those of you (many of you) who share a lot of yourselves with me. So I'm going to try again to work on that here. I won't be able to completely on here and I have good reasons for that, but it'll be better than me just spewing politics.

I guess I'll start with something simple. My brother that I talk about all the time isn't actually related to me. I guess most people on here know that but I feel the need to say it mostly because it amazes me. Because even though this kid and I don't share a drop of common blood, he acts like we do. We eat with each other's parents, shop together, talk about girls, say exactly what we're thinking (or don't need to), and balance each other out. If I ever second-guess myself, I ask him his opinion. It's honestly very relieving. This kid knows way too much about me but I know I won't get hurt for it, and it's great. And when I talk about him it's easier to talk about myself.

His basic view so far on most of the stuff I've had on my mind lately is "go for it." So I've been pushing more on StandOut, but as we both predicted I hesitate where my ah...personal life is concerned. Not because I think it's impossible (even though she's probably out of my league a little bit) but because I do a way better job of this stuff in person as opposed to social networking. If I ever get the guts to really move forward on this, it'll probably have a lot to do with him shoving inspiration down my throat. In the meantime StandOut stuff is 50% where I want it to be.

This is vaguely off-topic, but a lot of my free time has involved my bro, tea, working out, sugary things, Beyonce, and Ellie Goulding. I really like Ellie. Her music conveys a lot of the stuff I feel that I don't voice. Also, I think the gym and the sugary things are evening each other out because nothing is happening to me at all. So I think I will go to the gym tomorrow and work until everything hurts. It's actually a great way to go to bed. Not only do you need to sleep, you want to.

Also, Matt is snoring on the floor next to my bed. It's highly amusing. Although I'm pretty sure it means he has sleep apnea, which isn't very good for you. Poor Matt. He needs one of those nose things. I'll color it rainbow with markers to make him feel better about it. Rainbows make everything better.

I hope this wasn't a suckfest. I'll always put a disclaimer at the top to warn you if it's less political if that helps.

Till next time.

Because Taking Breaks is for People with Lives

2011-07-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

And we know I'm not one of those. So, a real update like I promised because last time I was high off of Austin and construction dust.

The house is now called the Queer Cabin. You can guess who came up with that. But it fits because everyone in the house is queer. We actually have real diversity going for us, sexually, racially, and gender-wise. It will be my first time rooming with a guy (Brian Davis, in fact). But I'm not really worried about it. He'll get used to the bra-and-jeans thing eventually. If not, it'll be free entertainment. Anyway, we got a lot of work done on it this weekend, and I've discovered that living near 11th street is awesome. It is randomly full of awesome places. And then getting downtown or to UT takes all of 5 minutes. I am stupidly pleased. So this house is good news. I'm probably going to take my little bro to see it soon.

Now, a REAL report on politics and the movement. There's a lot of crazy stuff going on involving Texas. One thing we (GetEQUAL) are looking at is a state-wide action for marriage equality. Because nothing scares cowboys like a bunch of queers dressed up to tie the knot. Anyway, we're talking marches and rallies all on the same day across the state. Which means a lot of work and wearing a tux. It should be a pretty amazing event.

Then, some of you may have noticed that I asked you a question about having another National Equality March. I'm not in a position to say much about that YET, but I will say that there's a good, good reason I asked you that. Infer what you will, but don't go telling people about it yet. There's a bit of a permission thing going on first, and we might not get what we're asking for. I'll report back on that soon.

In other news, we've learned that Michelle Bachman, the Bellatrix Lestrange of the presidential candidates, has a lesbian step-sister. Who angrily showed up to one of her events where she was doing some pretty hefty gay-bashing. I look forward to hearing about any family reunions coming up. Awkwaaaard~ And for those of you worrying over Rick Perry, he's about as popular as a country western series playing on HBO at 2 am. Don't know about it? Neither does anyone else.

Finally, we're finding that there are a TON of openly LGBT folks running for different offices all over the US. This is exciting stuff. We've got Tammy Baldwin going for Senate, and she's got a strong following. It would make her the first openly lesbian senate member, and the first lesbian to get a higher position than my own Mayor Annise Parker (may she one day become president). Anyway, we've got her, we've got folks running for different state positions, we've got folks in Houston...if you want to know who to vote for, I suggest taking a look at Victory Fund, Lambda Legal, and the Task Force. They tend to have stories on these people and their values.

I'm not saying you should vote for these folks just because they're LGBT, obviously look at what they're about. But if we get more of our pals in office, we're making progress. We're showing kids that you can be yourself and be whatever you want to be at the same time. We're making politicians think twice before they say something homophobic. We're making it easier to get the votes we need to win 1,138 rights that we should have always had.

Worth a look, don't you think?

Till next time.

Happy Mini Vacation

2011-07-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

So I am in Austin right now. And I am so very pleased about it. For I am here as an Austinite. AND I'M FEELIN' GOOOOOOOD~! (Might also be a teensy bit hyper)

Anyway, my mom and I went up here to close on my house. Then we spent the day buying/moving stuff and enjoying a rare day together. It's been exhausting, but in an awesome way. I already feel at home in my house, even though it's complicated to get to (this neighborhood makes no sense). And a chicken literally crossed the road in front of us while we were there, and we busted out laughing at the irony. Just. I am happy. So happy. My housemates are going to love this place. We're close to the nightlife and not far from campus. It's pretty damn perfect.

I know I normally post something about activism and the movement but it's late and I'm sleepy. So I will say that there is some seriously exciting stuff we're looking at involving Texas. If things go the way we want, it will be big. In the meantime, we're drawing ever closer to our meeting with our beloved "prophet" of a governor. Who, by the way, is being sued by an atheist group for violating separation of church and state. But who's cheering about that? ...http://fringebowlteamblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Troll-Face-U-MAD.jpg
Anyway, I'll update you guys with more stuff later. Bedtime for me.

Till next time (with a real update, I promise)

The GOP, The Allies, and the College Kid

2011-07-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

This thing is weirdly addictive, and I know I'm on here too much. Sorry bout that.

Anyway, my friend found this absolutely wonderful synopsis of the more popular Republican presidential candidates today. It features positives, negatives, their view on LGBT rights, and a comparison to a Harry Potter Death Eater. So here you go: http://www.autostraddle.com/a-gay-girls-guide-to-the-gop-the-2012-republican-candidate-cheat-sheet-98665/ Basically the only one who doesn't get a Death Eater comparison is Fred Karger, who happens to be the only GOP candidate I like (for more reasons than his being gay). So if Obama absolutely has to get his ass kicked this election season, that's who I'm rooting for. Truthfully though I'm just about positive that if Obama gets reelected he'll have this magical epiphany and decide that we're all equal. So either way. As long as the rest of the GOP doesn't get it. Especially Santorum/Bachmann.

Moving on to activism, things are going pretty well. GetEQUAL TX and I are working on about 3 different projects, the one coming up being the one where we're hitting the most bumps (that's life for you). National is working on binational LGBT rights, which is going really well so far, since no one's gotten deported since we jumped on it. TX is working on marriage equality and our August 6 action. We've got marches for marriage equality planned in October in all the major TX cities, including ol' Austin, where I may or may not end up being a speaker. August 6 is going well, I'm currently working on the budget and the others are working on the slogan. I really love this team. Nothing seems impossible.

StandOut is quickly getting complicated. I've had members commenting on how they hope we actually do things this year instead of sit around and talk, and how they're excited to host a speaker. Which is great because that's exactly how I'm thinking, but bad because I'm kind of alone on that officer-wise. Basically it's going to be up to the members to pressure the other officers; in the meantime I'm still open to any and all suggestions. I can actually tell you a little of what we're looking at, if that helps. We're still looking at DPB for the faculty/staff, better transgender housing options, and some sort of volunteer gig with a church to challenge their beliefs about us. Admittedly I hesitate on the last one because I'd rather not be subject to more Baylor-like language, but I can see the merit in it. Change has to start somewhere.

On personal matters, I'm closing on the Austin house this Friday. Pretty exciting. Being a Houstonian was alright, but being an Austinite is going to be great. So I'll start moving my stuff in this weekend, and once I finish my internship with the mayor, I'll be off. It won't be the end of my visiting, but there will be significantly less since my parents will visit more. All in all, I just feel relieved. Had we lived in Montrose or something, I might feel kind of sad, but instead this is purely liberating.

Also, my little bro has been accompanying me to all the get-togethers I have with my UT buddies in Houston, and it makes me happy. He fits right in with the group and gets along with everyone and makes his snarky comments, and it makes me excited for my senior year. I can't wait for him to become a Longhorn. I have seriously missed going to school with him. It's weird, I never would have guessed that it would turn out this way when I adopted him in high school band. There wasn't a label over his head stating that he'd stick with me for life. He was this quiet kid who liked my comic that I started driving home. Now it's almost 5 years later and we've got 2 sets of parents and do everything together. He's the best.

Till next time.

The Slowest Season and Etc

2011-07-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

[Start rant] Summer is the slowest season. Fall and winter fly by, probably because I actually like them, and then spring throws allergies at me and summer just makes me want to live in a refrigerator. After Pride, there is nothing special about summer. Most of us just work and wonder what the fall will bring. But you know what? Your hometown probably has some form of nightlife and it probably has lesbians. And I playfully and enviously say "Screw you" for that. Because I'm pretty sure I'm the only lesbian around here for 30 miles, and there is NOTHING to do here at night. It SUCKS. o_o You know those creepy movies where the child scratches at the door to be let out of the closet? That's kind of where I am right now. Don't get me wrong, people here are somewhere between tolerant and accepting, but they are completely apathetic too. Apathy makes my brain explode. Not having anything to do after 9 pm makes my brain explode too. [End rant]

Other than that small matter *twitch*, things aren't going terribly. In fact, our dear US Senate has decided to stop being a douche and not appeal the court's ruling that DOMA is unconstitutional. In non-political language, this means that our government realized that it's stupid to support the gay marriage ban after it said it would...well, not support the gay marriage ban. Which is marvelous, because the big court battle of excellence will probably begin and I'll be busy as hell reporting on it and organizing actions around it. So now we have this three-pronged attack; the rainbow disease spreading outward from New York, the continued fight that we're winning against Prop8, and this fight we're starting to win in the big courts against DOMA.

Some of you are probably wondering why the hell I even care that much about marriage. And you are correct to argue that it's only going to help the richer members of the LGBT community. Thing is though, if we can win this, we can win the entire thing. Full federal equality in the United States of America. Sounds nice doesn't it? So I'm watching this like a hawk/assisting in the effort because winning this will absolutely cripple all opposition to us, and the second we win it I'm helping finish off the adversaries and we're getting all 1,035 of our missing rights. Plus, my wedding is going to be kickass. Just saying. More on that bit later.

On more personal matters, my neighbors upset my puppy yesterday and have earned my eternal wrath upon their souls. And yes, these are the same neighbors who were stupid enough to set our fence on fire. We think they might have took their anger at each other out on Toby somehow; regardless, they did something that really, really upset him. He kept almost biting people and he wouldn't smile at all yesterday. So I'm basically gonna fire a rainbow laser at their house. I don't really know if it'll cause loss of life but I guess we'll find out.

Also, I can't help but notice that there are 9 people who habitually look at this blog. Which is great. But there are only 7 people following me. And yes, that creeps me out. And I congratulate you for that, because it's terribly hard to creep me out. Whoever you other two are, I sincerely hope you aren't rapists.

On a final, random note, the mayor of Portland, Oregon is following me on Twitter. And so is a computer hacker. And a bunch of other people. I have no idea how these people find me. And it'll probably get worse because tx4m put me in their "Follow Friday" list today. The internet is weird.

Till next time.

A Number of Things to Celebrate

2011-07-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

Things are by no means perfect, but there is a lot that is strangely leaning in my favor, both nation-wide and personally. I haven't been feeling good lately so it's nice to see this stuff going well.

First off, as I'd hoped, New York's marriage equality victory is spreading like a wonderful virus. Rhode Island just approved civil unions (not marriage, but it's a start right?), and New Jersey is in a huge fight with itself over whether or not to get some gay marriages too. Hopefully the neighbors of these states will also go into an uproar and my little gay marriage revolution will spread to all corners of the country. I am pleased to announce that the effort has been reinvigorated in Texas. We have a Twitter account (tx4m) already, and ideas are already being thrown out there for debate on Facebook. It's my hope that I'll be able to keep my promise to my friend and her partner sooner than I thought. If this doesn't work, I'll just sue for Prop8 to die.

Next, I can finally announce with complete confidence that I will soon be an Austin resident. We're closing on the house right now, and no major problems have occurred. I can finally get out of Clear Lake. I think I'll miss the Montrose area, but Clear Lake was never really home to me. I could never fully express myself or simply enjoy being a lesbian. Not to mention activism is like a foreign language to most of the residents. So I can finally go home now. And when it's time to move on, the house will become my parent's home, so I'll never have to go back again. Even my little brother is eventually going to become a Longhorn, so I can safely shut and lock this door without any guilt or regrets. No more looking back. No more rumors about me from people who don't deserve my company. Just now and the future. Cheers!

Also, I don't know exactly why the hell it worked this time, but I had a heart-to-heart with my...heart...and the defenses I put up are coming down. I could throw a party. It took a damn long time to get over everything and decide that it's worth it, and my hope is that if I get hurt in the future it will take less time. I hear that's how it goes, at least. But yes, I've examined everything I could think of, and I think I'm ready for this stuff again. I've learned a lot in the time I was single anyway. I know I don't need anyone to complete me. I am seriously fucking strong by myself, and the only person who defines anything about me is me. I also have a lot more to offer than a lot of people do (as you guys have reminded me repeatedly- I get it now, thank you for loving me enough to tell me that). The past is the past, now is now, so why shouldn't I put myself out there?

And that last paragraph? Turns out it might (read "does" by my family plus Brian) have really, really good timing. And I sincerely hope that's the next celebration I have on here. :)

Till next time.

Whatever. I Want Ice Cream.

2011-06-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

Titled because life has been really up and down the past few days.

First thing was New York. I'd been following the senate like a hawk because, unlike a ton of my friends, gay marriage actually does matter to me. New York was the first place I came out as a lesbian (remind me to tell that story on here one day, it's great), and therefore it would be amazing to have the option of marrying there. It feels full-circle that way. Plus it's where the modern-day LGBT movement started.

Anyway, Matt came over to stay the weekend so we could go to Pride together, and we watched the senate vote for marriage equality. It was just amazing. The sheer amount of screaming was so loud you couldn't hear the senate talk after it was approved. Matt and I started yelling and it turned into a small dance party featuring Frank Sinatra and Lady GaGa. It was glorious. Torsten joined us later in the night, and I can't help but think it's awesome that my being a lesbian means that anyone can sleep over. I win this round, my heterosexual friends.

Pride was insane. My whole family came, plus Matt, Torsten, Kevin, and AJ. And almost immediately we ran into Brian and Emily. So then I had to do my mayor shift, and my pals helped Team Annise out. It was seriously awesome, Annise would have been pleased. And Kevin, being the fantastic little bro he is, kept fanning me off and giving me water so I wouldn't die. Friends kept coming to our booth and hugging us and taking stickers and tattoos. It was awesome.

However, after hours of that, I had my shift with GetEQUAL. And not a single volunteer showed up. So after taking off my shirt, I went to go sign people up with Kevin and Matt in tow. And I quickly learned that most lesbians will sign whatever the hell you're holding if you're shirtless. Self-esteem boost for the win? On the downside, I ran into people I don't like. It pissed me off. And as I got more tired, it haunted me for the rest of the night. But at least the parade was awesome- never had that many people yell at me before.

Then I went up to Austin to meet up with StandOut and attend an open house. The meeting went alright, but I am seriously, seriously concerned about my team's hesitance towards getting a speaker. I mean, Robin McGehee and GetEQUAL want to do this for us. I went out on a limb asking them to. And now my team is worried about finding a room and enough people? We can do this in front of the Tower if necessary. And I can get people. Ambalika taught me how to publicize an event pretty dang well. I really don't want to push these guys out of their comfort zone, but it's really disrespectful to reject an offer like this. I might put this to a vote- I feel like the other members will see this the way I do. The reason StandOut doesn't stand out is because we don't take any risks. It's about time we do.

After spending the night at Rudy's, I went to the GSC. Shane basically made me feel cool the second ze got off the phone, announcing my presence to the whole room. I don't know why I didn't hug hir, I will next time. I don't think I've felt that cool the entire summer. I did my speech about StandOut, and we got about 6 new members. I also got to help out this cool international student from Korea (he's joining QPOCA). Then Ambalika came in, and we talked politics with Shane (I have missed that SO BAD), and eventually we left the GSC.

After that, Ambalika invited me to her place to watch some episodes of The Office. Then she ended up making me dinner, giving me a book to read, taking me to a market to buy popsicles, and making plans to hang out in Houston. It was really, really nice. I can't remember the last time someone besides my parents cooked for me. I didn't see any of this coming, but I was pleasantly surprised.

And now, I am back in Coastal Suburbia. Joy of joys. Work, GetEQUAL, Kevin, and getting my Austin house has me occupied at least. And my crazy puppy.

Till next time.

This is Why We Eat, Children

2011-06-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

Since my last post was deadly serious (pun perfectly intended), I thought I'd give you all a bit of the entertainment I promised. And it's also a life lesson! YAY!

You need to eat.

I kind of failed at that today, you see. Partially because I kept waking up in the night and therefore kind of failed to sleep. So this morning I decided shoving yogurt down my throat would be a great idea, and then I'd carry on with the day.

Epic failure ensued.

My metabolism ate through that like it was a piece of candy, and then proceeded to drop like a lemming off a cliff. And so spiraled my bodily and mental functioning for the next 4 hours. My body decided that it was simply going to try to eat itself since it decided that I must be starving. My mind dived all the way to hell, with positive thoughts about topics like moving away, loneliness, death, and conservatives.

Toby really didn't get it.

Eventually my parents made it home and, after silently wondering how I made it through two years of college, took me out to dinner.

This is the fun part. Whenever my brain is put through a series of quick changes, different parts of it tend to fire off absently, producing a magical symphony of absolutely bizarre thoughts. Such as:

I love it when my shirts come with those sleeve buttons. But either way at least I don't roll them up looking like failure anymore.

Where the hell are the mushrooms in this pasta? Mulan would be able to find them.

We can't even pick out ice cream. We're as decisive as Obama is about gay marriage.

Ponies can't really eat cake...first cavities, and then their teeth would fall out. That's sad.

What is Tina Fey doing right now? Is she eating too? Is she happy? I want her to be happy.

My brain feels like a train ran through it. A red train. With shiny wheels and green trimming.

This ice cream doesn't taste like coffee. Awesome.

This is why we eat, children.

Because I Want You to Understand.

2011-06-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. This post is going to be a little different from the other ones. It's a response to this article that's circulating among activists like myself. Read it before you read the rest of my post.

http://www.bilerico.com/2011/06/conservatives_call_for_violent_response_to_glitter.php#.Tf-iwp0KWFN;facebook

It's kind of disturbing, isn't it? According to these hundreds of people, throwing glitter at someone is worthy of arrest, violence, or death. They want activists dead. LGBT activists and liberals, more specifically. And they want members of GetEQUAL locked up because they're training these activists, and that makes them a "terrorist group". Granted, this is enough to get to anyone, but there are a few more reasons it gets to me.

I am a member of GetEQUAL.

And not only am I fucking proud of it, I'm helping them organize an action. An action, I now realize, could get me killed, because these radical conservatives don't want anyone to protest. So I am forced for once to sit back and stare at my life and my choices and decide how I feel about this.

There was a status on Facebook I posted earlier today. "There is a lot of truth in the statement 'love makes you fearless'. There's no time to worry about taking some hits or messing up, I've got a fight to win and it's gonna get done. Things that scared me a year ago don't mean anything now."

I don't know how else to tell you this, but that applies here. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that. But the simple truth is, I'm going to risk getting killed because that is how much I care about you guys. Because, as I said, there's no time for worrying about it. I will continue to work and fight until we win or until I'm dead. There is no other option for me.

The way I see it, I'll die when I'm meant to die, how I'm meant to die. If I'm supposed to be murdered, that's just what happens. And that thought used to plague me a year ago, when I first decided to take this up. Who the fuck wants to die? You don't even know what happens next, or if there's anything at all. If you think about it too long, it's terrifying. But this changed when I met you.

Because your story, your pain, your joy, your successes, your failures, your smiles, your tears, your dreams, your thoughts, and your feelings have all become a part of me.

My whole life I've had this strange void in my heart that I was always aware of, and I could never figure out what was supposed to go there. I understand now that it was meant for you. You can't ever know how much you truly changed my life. You completed me. You gave me my purpose and the chance to finally shower my love on people who truly deserve it.

I say all of this because I want you to understand. If I get killed, I want you to take up the fight for me. I know that's selfish, but I feel like if you just try to see yourselves the way I see you, you will find yourself able to do things you didn't think you were capable of. You deserve this fight, this effort. I want you to get married and have kids or nieces and nephews. I want you to have a successful career. I want you to be able to protect and be protected by your partner. I want you to have everything. And the only way I know how to get you there is to see this through until you're equal.

I say all of this because I want you to understand. If I get killed, I don't have a single regret. If a bullet tears through my body, my last breath won't be spent on wishing it didn't have to be that way. I'll be wishing you luck. And I'll be proud. Of you, of me, of the future you will make. I'll be ready to watch over you.

I say all of this because I want you to understand.

"And if a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door." -Harvey Milk

GLBT Caucus Gala

2011-06-19T00:42:00.000-07:00

I have to blog about this night or my head/heart will explode in happiness. A basic summary would be that I attended this event as part of Annise Parker's campaign team, and it was kind of the best night ever.

Part of my internship states that besides the 10 hours I spend with the team in the office, I have to do 4 additional hours outside our assigned 10. These can be in the office or external events where the mayor (or the mayor's campaign team) is wanted. So earlier this week I signed up to work the GLBT Caucus gala, as my boss advised. Basic description was that I would help sign people into the event or greet people at the door of the Magnolia Ballroom. It sounded great to me. But of course, a lot more went down than that.

I got there and instantly became the greeter at the door (I love that job, by the way, smiling at people is awesome and everyone should do it). I met Ken Stewart, the current president of the caucus, and he made small talk with me until guests started coming. Then I mostly chatted with my boss and my co-workers. Our new favorite comeback is "Well I bet you make a horrible phonebanker." Expect me to use that. Because I will. Anyway, time went on, and eventually my boss and I got to talking about the action I'm doing with GetEQUAL in August. I wouldn't have said anything but it's the same day as a phonebank we're supposed to do. Anyway, he seemed really pleased with the plan, and suddenly told me I should take a break and come upstairs with him.

It was insane up there. At least 100 people drinking and chatting in this ancient building. I recognized a lot of faces but couldn't remember where I'd seen them, which was startling. I was aware that I was immersed in a crowd of politically important people, but I wasn't sure who they were. My boss introduced me to a few of his friends, and then pointed out Congressman Al Green and said I should talk to him.

I don't know if you know who Al Green is. Let me tell you. He is AMAZING. He's a former activist and judge, and he used to be the president of the NAACP. Now he's a congressman for the 9th district of Houston, and he's received so many awards and honors for the good he does for people that there was actually an "Al Green Day" in Houston. THAT is Al Green. He is one of my greatest inspirations.

So I timidly made my way up to him, and before I could even introduce myself he grinned and grabbed my hand and asked me how and who I was. I barely replied and he hugged me. AL GREEN HUGGED ME. -is going to remember this forever- And then before I could ask him any questions, he asked me about my school and my major and my activism. And then he wanted a picture with me, and we found out that neither of us had cameras. Which kind of killed me, but who cares? He wanted a picture with me. o_o

So I walked back down starstruck and then Annise Parker came, and I continued my shift as she continued on upstairs. Then, Pokey Anderson walks in, and I don't realize it's her until I ask her name. Enter "O_O" face. I'd never met her or seen her before, only heard of her. She started the GLBT Caucus. She was in Houston's first Pride parade. She was one of our earliest activists. She and Annise opened a bookstore together. I knew all this, and suddenly there she is in front of my face. After she went upstairs, my boss told me to go up to watch the ceremony.

So I returned and met more of my boss's friends, and made my way into the ballroom. I stood towards the back, next to a table. I felt weird because the lady sitting next to me looked really, really familiar. Which was because, I found out 2 minutes later, she's Judge Phyllis Frye, the first trans judge in Texas. And then we watched Annise talk to the crowd about our history in Houston, and introduced Pokey Anderson, who talked about the organization and the success it's had. As the raffle began after the speeches, Annise walked up to my boss and he formally introduced us. She thanked me for being on her team and we made some small talk about the event and Pride. It was ridiculously surreal. Then Pokey came over and joined us, and she wanted to know about school and shook my hand. And then my team got a picture with both of them.

The rest of the night I mostly spent being hyper. I got into a deep discussion with the bartender, and he gave me extra soda (yes I didn't drink). Then he bragged on how hard his manager works when she was there, and I complimented her as well. Suddenly my free drink ticket was worth 3 drinks. And this, children, is why you should remember that the people in the background are still people. My boss proceeded to hook me up with the former president of the caucus, and then I chilled with my team before heading out.

Sorry that was so long. I want to remember it forever though. I hung out with 3 of my heroes in one night, it's kind of a big deal to me.

Till next time. :)

More Summer Stuff

2011-06-17T00:04:00.000-07:00

And the insanity continues! Really continues. As in, this post will be all over the place.

The internship with Team Annise is going really well. I've quickly come to adore all the people I work with, and I think on some level that sentiment is returned. The opportunities I'm getting out of this are amazing. Basically I can meet with all sorts of LGBT and liberal groups in Houston, which I figure will serve me well when the Texas legislature meets again. Plus this whole thing is teaching me about myself. There was an team-building exercise where we had to explain what got us to where we are today, and for me it meant delving into what happened at Baylor. It was hard to talk about it, and I couldn't talk about the guy in the car, but I got through it. I just felt really cold. So apparently I need to work past that stuff. ._.

Working with GetEQUAL has been pretty awesome too. Jay and Michael are both really awesome to me. It'll be cool working the crowd at Pride for them (even if it is right after a shift with Annise's campaign). We're still working on getting volunteers.

StandOut is pretty much on my mind every single day. I -finally- get to see the team on the 30th and discuss our plans. I've missed them a ton. I seriously get to work with the best people. This year will be amazing.

My biceps hurt and for some reason it makes it hard to type.

Also did some soul-searching and figured out this whole relationship deal. It's been bothering the hell out of me that I want a relationship but avoid getting into one. And yet I won't hook up either. So there's been this loneliness and (honestly) sexual tension, and I avoid the obvious solutions. And simply because I'm scared. I was incredibly vulnerable in my last relationship, and I paid for it mentally, emotionally, and physically. It made me stronger, but the scars open easily and bleed profusely at times. I remember all the pain and don't want to be that vulnerable again. I busy myself with classes and organizations so I don't have to think about the void. I sense that some girls like me and try my hardest to pretend it's in my head. So I effectively bar myself from what I want. Hell, a relationship could heal all this, but I hide. So I need to convince myself somehow that the risk is worth it, or just accept that I'm going to be single for a very long time. Both are kind of foreboding.

Okay I lied apparently now my entire arm hurts? Screw you arm. You aren't the boss of me.

There are a number of songs stuck in my head. 'Transcendence' by Lindsay Stirling. 'What Goes Around Comes Around' by Justin Timberlake. 'Your Fault' by P!nk. 'Marry the Night' by Lady GaGa.

If I go on anymore you'll have wasted too much time here so I'm calling it a night. Till next time.

"We're Sorry, Your Lesbian is Definitely Crazy"

2011-06-05T23:19:00.000-07:00

Hello dears. Sorry it's been a while, but I'll do my best to catch you all up on the insanity that is my life.

I went to the Harvey Milk Conference. And not to brag...but every single objective I came in with was successful. I got the speaker I wanted for StandOut. In fact, I got her, and I got a woman who will teach us Civil Disobedience, and a guy from the Courage Campaign. I got a TON of contacts and new friends. I got inspiration. I got a gay Harvey Milk cup. I got to march in a parade full of activists. And I'm a member of GetEqual now. In fact, my super-amazing speaker? She's the National Director. So if there's one StandOut event to go to, that's the one (although our Civil Disobedience lesson is going to be AWESOME).

Then I left Austin and the marvelous company of activists/Ben/Torsten, and drove back to Clear Lake. ...White, soccer-mom, money-filled, religious, struggle-less, suburbia. And from there I proceeded to relapse a bit into depression. Because I understand now that home is where the heart is, and my heart is in Austin, and with the people who make it great for me. I love my family here, but I don't belong here. I never did, and it's a big part of why I was sick for so long.

Thankfully this mess was interrupted by a fondue party with DJ. We got a chance to just talk and eat and dance about, and it lifted me up a lot. And my mom saw this. And then, I had a BBQ in the park with DJ, Kevin, Anthony, and Connor (and some girl who flirted with me in front of her boyfriend). Same deal, despite the heat. It lifted me up. And my mom saw this...

So naturally she gave me things to do. She suggested I sign up for an internship with Mayor Annise Parker, one of my role models that I've been dying to meet. I saw that the application was due the next day, but I figured "why not?" and did it. I "knew" I wouldn't get in, I thought I'd indulge my mom though. And then, you know. They called the next day and said I was exactly what they were looking for. o_o Sooo now I'm a campaign worker for our openly lesbian mayor. Summer checklist = one less item.

Then my little brother Kevin graduated. I felt so, so proud. I think this must be what it's like to have kids, to be proud of every accomplishment they make. I sat with his dad and mom in the stands and we laughed at him being bored enough to play with his shoes while other people graduated. It was weird watching my ex, people I don't like, and ex-friends graduate though. Made me grateful for my new life. Anyway, we cheered for Kevin, and then we went to celebrate in Chinatown away from everyone else. His family is HILARIOUS. There was a ton of karaoke and pictures, authentic Asian food, and jokes. They were impressed that I could use chopsticks (and even more amusing, Kev's dad was bragging that "of course" I can use them, I go to UT). Kevin seemed to have a good time, and he told me what all I was eating and made sure I got some before the men completely devoured it. It was just a fantastic night. I love that kid so much. And his dad was thanking me for treating him like a little brother. It's not hard at all though. It really feels like we are.

After that, GetEqual contacted me about organizing a street team to recruit members at Houston Pride, which I of course agreed to because if GetEqual was a woman we'd be married. So I'm working on that too. And then my parents took me to Austin for a day to look at houses, and we found a house near 9th that we like. But the sadness hit me again when we left. It really screwed with me yesterday and today, but a combination of Mom, Amber, Armando, and Mary helped me out.

Other than that, I've been going to the gym a lot. I'm surprised to find I love it. I think I'll look pretty good by the time Pride rolls around. Which is great, because there's no way in hell I'm wearing a shirt to that.

Till next time. :)

Day 2 in Houston

2011-05-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

We may have a bit of a problem this summer. I am in Houston, when I have experienced Austin. It's much like eating soup your entire life, and then experiencing pasta with decadent marinara sauce and the finest Italian sausage. And then going back to soup. Kind of leaves you with that "oh" feeling. ._.

I feel so restless here that it's making me physically tired. I need to work. I need to be networking and attending meetings. I never thought I'd become a workaholic, but a lot can change in a year. And this dainty little suburb in Houston no longer provides me with what I need. And thus, I will be traveling a lot. Because I will go absolutely crazy if I stay here.

In other news, I like a girl. I've liked her for a while. But it's a little worse now? She hugged me before I left for Houston, and I kind of re-noticed it. I don't think I like that I like her though, simply because I don't feel like finding out that she feels nothing of the sort. This is probably the only area in life where I'm still more pessimistic than not, but it's out of fear. Yeah. Scary Lesbian's fine with being shot at if it's for her people, but not with being vulnerable around another girl. I've got work to do. -__- Can't blame me for liking her though. She's ridiculously attractive. I already miss her.

On the bright side, I'll be up in Austin this weekend for the Harvey Milk Conference. There I will make my first attempt at obtaining a speaker for StandOut. No matter what the outcome, at least I'll be back in my zone.

Till next time.

A Little Education!!

2011-05-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well HI! Happy National Day Against Homophobia/Transphobia!! I made a promise earlier on that Facebook thing I use that I would post something educational about my community. Thus, I present to you, A Little Education! Enjoy. Read whatever bullet-point you want.

Every color on the Queer rainbow flag stands for something. Yes, really. We use 6 colors most of the time because indigo isn't cool enough to be a color or something. Anyway:

-Red is for Life.
-Orange is for Healing.
-Yellow is for Sun.
-Green is for Nature.
-Blue is for Harmony.
-Violet is for Spirit.

Brain scans prove that the homosexual male brain contains sections that more closely resemble that of a heterosexual woman's brain than that of a heterosexual male.
Lesbian fetuses usually receive extra testosterone in the fetal stages than heterosexual ones. (PBS actually has a pretty cool documentary on this)
This year, more than half the nation came out in support of same-sex marriages.
There is such a thing as gender-neutral pronouns. Most commonly used by transfolk, these pronouns can refer to anyone whose gender is unknown (such as an unborn child), someone who is not bound by gender as we understand it, or someone undergoing the transition to become a different sex. Before you use them though, know that in Queer culture it is polite to ask someone what pronouns they use before assuming anything. These pronouns are:

-Ze (pronounced "Zee"), in place of he/she; "Ze is way better at math than I am."

-Hir (pronounced "Here"), in place of his/her; "This amazing unicorn belongs to hir."

"Heterosexism" is a term used frequently by our community, but it is not an insult to heterosexual individuals, nor a term that implies a hatred of heterosexuals. Heterosexism is a system of attitudes, bias, and discrimination in favor of opposite-sex sexuality and relationships. When you look around you, you will notice that many facets of society are based on heterosexism. It is very similar to racism.
Ever wonder what the opposite of "transgender" is? The word is "cisgender".
The Queer community tries to think and act from a social justice viewpoint. This means considering the needs/wants/representation of people of color, all members of our LGBT alphabet, women, children, religious/non-religious folks, and allies. We do our best to think of all people. We have trouble being non-partisan in general though.
The Queer community includes a great number of feminists. This does not indicate a hatred for men. Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining/establishing/defending equal political, economic, and social rights and opportunities for women.
There is a slew of offensive words and phrases aimed at dehumanizing us. The word "fag" is our version of the f-word (it was actually hard for me to type that). "That's so gay" is a way to equate us with anything stupid. "No homo" is another. Similarly, transfolk don't appreciate people calling them "trannys", "he-shes", or "its". Every time someone uses these, it makes my job as an activist harder. Please don't use them.

I think 10 bullet-points is a good start. Hope you learned something. Thanks for reading, and have a FABULOUS~ night.

Anne Hathaway

2011-05-05T19:38:00.001-07:00

I have a problem. This problem is called Anne Hathaway. I'm not sure how it happened, but I seem to have a mild obsession with her. It is probably because she's attractive. Anyway, I got into a 30-minute debate with my friends over what kind of attractive she is. They didn't find her hot at all. I told them to stop dissing my woman. You see how bad this is?

And yet she's going to be Catwoman. It kills me. And by kills me I mean makes me somewhat warmer than normal. Which is an achievement because I'm generally a human popsicle full of rainbow joy. Anyway, there's a picture of her as Catwoman getting a mug shot, and it is now my desktop background. It fills me with hormonal joy. Which is scary. Just a little scary...

She's mine bitches. o_o

Statistics

2011-04-28T11:56:00.001-07:00

You know what sucks? No it's not a vacuum, vacuums are cool because they're the only word in the English language with two consecutive u's. It's statistics. Stats deserves to burn in a fireplace while I sit nearby and warm myself with it whilst sipping a cup of tea. If Stats were a human being nobody would like him. He'd almost make you feel smart and accomplished, and then he'd say "Just kidding, you're a dumbass!", and no one would like him at all. If Stats were a deity, it'd be Satan. Laughing while you suffer. If Stats were an animal, it would be a wolverine, because they're little bastards that want nothing more than to rip your face off and eat it.

I had a test in Stats today.

I don't like Stats.

Two Decades of Life

2011-04-19T23:35:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever I am blogging...as a 20-year old. Yeah I could care less in a lot of ways but my birthday did make me think about a lot of stuff. It made me think about what it meant to be 19.

I literally went from staring death in the face to becoming one of the most content people I know.

It wasn't easy getting there and it barely makes sense even now. My father started to go mental when I was in 4th grade, and by 6th grade I was diagnosed with chronic depression. I was one of those kids that put on the appearance of being normal while contemplating suicide on a weekly basis. My father would keep doing unbelievably awful things while my mom legalized the divorce, and it drove me so far out of a child's mindset that I never really got to have a childhood on the inside. I was told I was chronic. It meant I wouldn't ever be truly happy. Medicine would only work temporarily. And this made sense to me. It carried into high school, where I tried so hard to get better but failed. It carried into Baylor, where I became sicker than I had ever been.

Baylor just about killed me. My best friend that I followed there would randomly refuse to be there for me, despite that I was stuck in a place that refused to let me express myself. My girlfriend that I would have done anything for broke up with me after my dog died. I kept getting physically sick and I lost a lot of weight. I managed to make a group of friends, but drama started over my sexuality. Baylor wouldn't let me start an LGBT support group. The counselors said I was screwed. And to top it off, I was almost raped simply for being a lesbian. I spiraled badly. I spent everyday wishing I could just die. I filed to transfer to UT, and in my essay I begged them to please save me. I decided that if I didn't get into UT I would just end it. I couldn't handle this anymore.

But UT said yes. One of the most stunning moments of my life. I got to have another chance. So I entered into my new college very sick and fragile, but hopeful...

It stopped.

My CHRONIC disease is GONE. It's something that still stuns me when I think about it. But I can see why it happened. I made friends. Friends that will support me anytime. Friends that make me feel like a star when I walk into a room. Friends that aren't afraid to hug me. Friends that believe in me enough to make me a leader. They have no idea, of course. I can't explain to them what they've done for me without crying. But one day I'll be able to tell them all so they understand how invaluable they are. How I get to be an adult experiencing pieces of childhood I never got to have because of them. Some of them might cry too, but it's okay because it's that good kind of crying that doesn't happen enough.

I had a less detailed discussion about this with my psychology TA, and it turns out that the gene I have that qualifies me as a chronic is also part of why I'm thriving now. The gene that predisposes one for depression exists for an evolutionary reason: if the individual is placed in an environment that meets all of their needs, they actually thrive more than individuals who lack the gene. It's like having a larger spectrum, basically: I can become suicidally depressed, but I can also become more joyful and productive than normal people. And that's what's on my mind this birthday: that I am so, so, so lucky and grateful to my family, my university, and my friends. Because without them, I might have never seen 20. And that would be a damn shame.

So thank you. Till next time everyone.

This is the President Speaking

2011-04-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

Sooo...I got it. o_o I'm StandOut's new co-director along with incumbent Katie Fife. Oh my god. It was so CRAZY! I had to go last on my speech because we went alphabetically, and the entire time my heart would NOT stop pounding. Richard went first, and it was weird. He seemed like he had this in the bag but wasn't very specific on the how's of his plans. He also seemed mad? I don't know. Katie went next, and I wanted to hug her because she was so damn nervous it made me nervous. However, she had excellent plans and went into good detail. Then Matt went. He was really good and his heart was in it, but he didn't have any how's for his plans. Not to mention Richard interrogated him like he was a criminal. Then I went. Jesus. I don't know how I sounded, but I got most of my points across. I congratulated everyone on standing up for what they believe in, and launched into what changes I wanted to make. Made my points about finding our talents, new kids, and focusing on fundraising, networking, and educating. Emily asked how I planned to do the latter and I remembered to mention workshops and guest speakers (thank you Emily!!!).

Crazy thing is, it apparently wasn't close? There was no tie or anything. It was really sudden. Katie and I got it. I was pretty stunned. Snapped out of it long enough to watch Richard try to run for secretary against the unbeatable Torsten, and Patrick win treasurer with no opposition. And then it was all congratulations and "I look forward to working with you!"s. Jesus Christ. Who thought I'd get it? If you told me this would happen last year I wouldn't have believed you at all. This is a huge personal victory. I've come so, so far, and to the point that I've been trusted to be a leader. I'm pretty sure I hugged every single person in the room.

So from now on, I'll enjoy my remaining time as a regular member, but I'll start thinking about the future very intensely. I am so, so excited. This is going to be GREAT!

Till next time. :)

Last Minute Prepping

2011-04-04T21:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so the election for StandOut's officer positions is tomorrow. I'm seriously trying not to be nervous, but I guess if you want something bad enough nerves are a part of the package. I've pretty much got my whole platform down in my head, but I'm going to bullet-point them in writing because it helps me calm down.
(Interruption: DAMN THIS TEA SMELLS LIKE PEACHES! O_O )
Originally I was going to list some of my ideas on here, but as I watch Facebook, I'm seeing more and more people on here that will eventually find me. Frankly, originality is going to be a factor in this election, so I can't really afford to say anything until tomorrow. I feel pretty good about it. I'm going to stand out (PUN!) because everything I've contributed this year has been my own genius. I only followed Ben; anything else I did was all me. It was my idea to ally with A&M. Literally, back at QTC I was the Longhorn who got up, marched over to them, and stuck my hand out. I did the same to UH. I've proven that even if I'm given nothing to do, I will find something to do anyway. I think it's going to finally serve me well. Because honestly, not a single one of my competitors can say they did the same thing. I love them, but this is the truth, and I'm going to use it.
The more I think about this the more I relax. Just gotta get through this week. It's going to be my birthday soon, actually, I'll be 20. Kind of a nice thing to look forward to. And GaGa with my mom is this Wednesday. And A&M bonding time is this weekend. Fun stuff, just a lot to remember. Almost makes me wish I didn't have classes. Almost. ;)

Till next time.

Coins

2011-03-30T20:08:00.000-07:00

As you are hopefully aware, "there are two sides to every coin". It's a popular little metaphor for the duality we find in life, no doubt created by some poor sap who lost a coin toss. It's quite a bit on my mind this week. I'll try to keep this post as positive as possible, but this is about duality, so some of it will be sad.

In an unexpected move this Tuesday, the president of StandOut nominated me to be his successor. I had no idea he would nominate me, and honestly it made me feel very good. To be trusted with something as precious to me as StandOut is a big deal for me; it is the first queer organization I ever joined, and it will always hold a special place in my heart because of that. Anyway, I was nominated first to fill one of two director spots. Then I learned my competition is Richard, Katie, and Matt. I don't know how to feel. Katie was already a director, so it makes sense to reelect her. So then it's down to me, Matt and Richard. I honestly have no idea how it will turn out. I don't know if Richard has been warm enough to everyone to win it, but then that leaves me and Matt. It's awkward for me. I want this pretty badly, and yet to get it I have to be more convincing than the guy who's followed me on my every whim, from visiting A&M to lobbying. It kind of makes me sad. I really want this position, but I don't want anyone to feel bad.

In addition to that, there's the girl I like. Or rather, the girl I'm trying to get over. She made it clear at a party that she's not interested, without even knowing that she did it. So today we're planning a queer prom and we're talking and it's going well and somehow Baylor is brought up. Obviously I have nothing good to say about it. We discuss how far away the school is from ever having Jewish/Muslim/queer groups, and she says it makes sense that they wouldn't because they're Baptist and private and can do what they want. We go on and talk about other stuff, and she's really nice and all, and then we part. And that's when it hits me.

They can do what they want.

It's exactly what my best friend told me. When she and her roommate ganged up on me and told me that I had no right to try and start a queer group there, that the discrimination and near rape I experienced was justified, simply because a little fucking book gives evidence that it's okay to hate my people. It's the same thing the bastard that tried to rape me said too.

So I'm sitting here in Starbucks, my safe place, trying not to cry. It's so hard. You don't know how hard it is to get over things like this. One sentence and I'm derailed. I'm back to being alone and empty and dangerously ill. I don't know why everyone thinks that the way I was treated is okay. It doesn't matter if you're a private school. It doesn't matter what religion you are. There is NOTHING okay about what happened to me. There is NOTHING okay about a group of people slowly convincing you that it really might be better to just end it all. That you can either leave or die, but once you leave they'll resent you for it. I don't understand why everyone jumps to Baylor's aid on this. I can assure you Baylor has plenty of representation. They have my ex-best friend and a guy responsible for traumatizing me. They have all the empty-minded, intolerant bigots. All I ever truly had the entire time at Baylor was me.

I suppose the bright side is that I'm at UT now. I feel seriously fragile right now with all these memories swimming around in my head, but I believe in the Eyes of Texas. Something will turn this night around for me. And if not tonight, tomorrow. Eventually I will be okay again.

This was just a really bad coin toss.

Introspection I

2011-03-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, I have enough time to really sit down for a few hours and reflect on my life and myself. It generally pulls out some form of creativity in me, and it's usually music or writing. So for this blog I'm going to let my thoughts just flow out and pick a place to stop.

Life has been all over the place lately. Or maybe it always has been and I just noticed it more this week. I feel my old disease trying to rear back up and take me, but I always fight my way out. Sometimes others do it for me, warriors entirely unaware of the position they hold. It feels odd to be struggling again, but I also feel a little grateful; these waves are nothing like what I used to face. This university shows me in the smallest ways that it cares. Friends come at the opportune moment. The girl I like talks to me. I see the albino squirrel. Someone hands out free food. The spirit of this place, I guess what would be called "The Eyes of Texas", seems to be playing the doctor role in my life. And I think together we'll keep me in one piece.

The girl I like has me looking very deep into myself. She's helped me realize that I've closed off a lot of myself. Built up these powerful walls designed to prevent real attachment so I can protect myself. And I can't help but look at those walls and feel a sense of anger. Why should the past hold any part of my being hostage? The people of my past who wounded me so badly were meant to do so, because they were not meant to stay in my life. But if these walls and defenses stay up, am I not allowing them a form of immortality within my memories and fears? I have to find out how to destroy what I've built. I want to so badly.

And I want to be braver. I want to be more. I want the courage to tell this girl that I care about her, that I think she's a beautiful person. I want to be more active, involved, trusted, open, wise. I've grown up so much but there's so much more to do. I know much of it will be the result of pain, but it's necessary to become that "more" that I desire.

I just have to keep trying. I have to decide that what I feel for this girl is more powerful and important than my fear of rejection. I have to keep reminding people that I will always be here to listen and comfort. I have to give more hugs. I have to start drawing again. I have to keep up with the news. I have to run outside with that sense of abandonment that takes over when the only light I have is the moon. I have to work for all I want to become.

And even though it's overwhelming, I'm up for it.

Till next time.

Crazy-Epic Dream

2011-03-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

I've been having a lot of dreams/nightmares that I actually remember lately. Most of them have been short tidbits of things such as my organizations or someone dying. But the dream I had last night was freaking epic.

So as far as I'm aware, I'm in some sort of cool place with a lot of balconies that reminds me somewhat of a boat, with a very large theater room. It starts out in the afternoon. I'm in sort of an entranceway and I see my ex. I'm about to start talking to her, but her boyfriend comes up and hugs her and her friends start gushing over the two of them. I'm kinda sad. Armando, DJ and Matt are there comforting me though so I'm not as affected as I could be. We go off and have fun.

I run into the girl I like. For whatever reason I'm bolder in this dream and I make my affections apparent. At first she reacts almost like she's put off by it, but it turns out she's amused. Which apparently makes me a ridiculous flirt in this world, because later on I see her again and we're playing with something she got off of a Poptart box (Poptarts, Subconscious? That's the best you could do?), and I won't give her pieces of the cardboard to mess with her. I guess she decides she's okay with me liking her, because to get me to give up the cardboard she kisses my cheek (Note to self: Cardboard = affection).

Then the dream goes fucking crazy. :D I find out that dark forces are attacking us in the theater, and that I am somehow a leader for the good guys. I get in there and it's chaos. We're on the stage side, and they're on the audience side. They have a purple and black theme going, and many of the creatures sport bat wings. They actually would be really cool if they weren't trying to kill us. Anyway, the fight is in full swing and there's a particularly strong guy who wants to fight me. We take it outside on the balcony. I find out the hard way that he wields electricity. At first I'm panicked, until I find out that I can magically deflect it back to him and somehow absorb his power and kick his ass. I was epic. It was so beautiful. :'D

I head back inside with my new powers and there are a couple of seriously nasty things left fighting my side. One of them is after the girl I like; of course it's the leader. I get pissed and start fighting him while the girl tells me he's too strong. She's almost right since in my head I fight him for 30 fucking minutes. o_o But I beat him using my electricity and a chandelier. I don't know why that worked, but it did. So we're victorious.

All my friends are cheerful and don't have a scratch on them because they're amazing and funny and took out strange things like evil purple circles with teeth and bat wings. They all commend me for beating the boss. Then the girl I like comes over. She's impressed by my leadership and has clearly figured out she likes me back. Or at least that's what I gather when she embraces me and kisses me on the lips.

So then I woke up and realized that I pretty much dreamed up a possible videogame plot. The end. :D

Shorter Blog About Life

2011-03-09T22:55:00.000-08:00

Blogging beats doing French homework, so that's why this is happening. Cheers.

Today has been an interesting day. For the most part it was pretty normal, I made a bunch of people laugh and remained sleepy for the entirety of the day. There was no QPOCA meeting, which was saddening because I didn't get to see my crush today, and there's no QLI this week so I won't see her there either. ._. Still, some progress has been made. After eating sub-par sushi and delicious ice cream with some friends, I went to Hang Out and her best friend was there. He's actually gotten a lot closer to me lately, which is nice, and also means that I get a lot of hugs. :) I sat down with him and asked if she was single, and he laughed and said yes. I explained that I was considering asking her out but wasn't sure how to approach it or if I should, and he said I'd be better off and luckier if I asked to hang out with her instead. His belief is that things would go my way if I took that route instead, and it makes sense. I would like to get to know her better, she's seriously fascinating. I guess all I can do for now is hope that tomorrow goes well; because we have no QLI, I'm going to attempt to hang out with her somehow. I'll post how it goes here, hopefully with good news.

Things are still a little complicated though. I don't know what to think of my ex lately, and it throws me off. I'm trying really hard to just be a friend, but it's so hard to forget everything that happened. Plus she'll add a "<3" to the end of a text that compliments me, and I don't know what to think. I find it may be better not to think at all. I trust life to work out the way it's supposed to. Sometimes I just wish the path wasn't so complicated. Give me a breezy walk in a meadow, please.

That's all for now, I think. Till next time.

Lobby Day 2011

2011-03-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was sort of a landmark day for me as an activist: I attended my first Lobby Day at the Texas Capital. Woke up hella early, dressed business casual and ran off to the Co-Op to meet my friends. Well, there were only four of us. Everyone else attended class or slept in. But oh well. I found out that Brian is kinda adorable when he's sleepy, and Matt was his ever-cheerful self. Anyway, we rode the bus to the church where Equality Texas was waiting for us.

We immediately found out that none of us were on the same team. It was unexpected but we took it in stride. I figure if you're at something like this you must be a good person even if you're a stranger. As I waited for my team I was amazed and ecstatic to see people I knew or recognized. My friend Rob was there, Asher Brown's parents were there, JOEL BURNS was there (!!!), Omar Lopez was there, and many faces I'd seen in the media. Omar went about introducing me to a ton of inspiring, fabulous people at the press conference, and then I met my team.

My team was freaking amazing. Tony was the first of the team I met, an amusing man with an antagonistic streak that made for some hysterical moments. Next Antonia arrived with two friends, and they were awesome as well. Antonia is a trans mtf, and out of our group I probably got the closest to her. She's a very warm individual, but she's definitely a fighter, so we got along very well. Her friends were awesome too, one of them is involved with an organization in Dallas that she wants me to see, and the other was basically there for the show. The latter amused me, she reminded me of Phoebe from Friends.

We received our information on how to proceed and who we would lobby, and went to work. We got through the maze of the capital building and began our efforts. We decided to mostly focus on workplace equality and anti-bullying. As it turns out, my representative and my senator were on our list, so I got to throw some extra weight around as a constituent. It was awesome. <3 You couldn't even tell who was a Republican or a Democrat because everyone was basically in agreement with us.

We took a break for lunch and my team got to know each other more. Tony wandered off, and the women were interested in my life and goals and etc. They eventually asked if I had a girlfriend, and right as I was saying no I looked up and the girl I like was there. They looked over and Antonia said, "Why aren't you over there talking to her?? Go!" The women kept egging me on so I finally went over. Brian and I talked a bit while my interest spoke with someone else, and I ended up telling him the truth. Seeing as how he didn't say anything about it being a lost cause, I felt better about things. Then she noticed me and I got a hug and compliments. :3 She looked really nice, I gotta say. One of those girls who can pull off professional and attractive at the same time. Thennn I got shy and went back to my team. They weren't done with me. They told me that I needed to go for whatever or whoever I wanted because I deserved it and you only live once. It was strangely inspiring and comforting to have their support.

We lobbied the last people on our list and that's when the Scary happened. Tony looked at our list and mumbled an "uh oh"...our list included a lady named Stephanie Carter. Turns out Tony had helped the political campaign of her opponent...they knew each other. And she's a Tea Partier. We figured it might be okay though, we'd only talked to staffers the whole day, not actual legislators. When we got there, she wasn't there, and her staffer was very kind. I even managed to ignore her pink curling iron and her rifle (not kidding).

Then she came in. o_o

She stared at Tony and it was such a scary fake smile. She greeted us all and asked her staffer to make sure they got Tony's contact info (CREEPY). We told our stories and made our case, and she seemed to empathize. Except towards the end, it went kinda like this:

Tony: "So from your response can I take it that you support our--"
Stephanie: "IT MEANS I'LL LOOK AT IT TONY."
Me: O_O

Yeah. That was the Scary. Not a great ending note, but we did well with the other 5 people so I still felt good. We all parted ways after that and I met up with Matt and Emily to write thank-you letters.

All in all, it was amazing. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to be there with my people, fighting for our rights. It's a day that's going to stay with me for a long time. And I intend to be there again when the senate meets in 2 years. I'll always be back.

We'll always be back.

Hiiiiiii -Awkward Wave-

2011-03-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

Hello there. My name is Ash. I decided to call this blog of mine "Spectrum Wolf" for a few basic reasons. The wolf is my spirit animal, and has been associated with me since I was in middle school. It'd be downright strange to pick any other animal. I decided on Spectrum Wolf because rainbows are the spectrum of color as well as a symbol of LGBT pride, and I am a lesbian. It is a basic core of who I am and often colors my life in amusing ways that are worth posting on a blog. So there you have it.
Currently I'm in my dorm room at the University of Texas where I'm studying Psychology with a minor in Women/Gender Studies. I've been here for almost a year now as a sophomore transfer from Baylor University (a really bad place to go if you're gay), but I've already made a lot of friends that you will no doubt hear about in future blogs. I've become a gay rights activist, and I love every second of the job. Whenever I'm not working or studying I enjoy playing saxophone and piano, writing, reading, drawing, and hanging out. My life would probably make for an excellent anime.
I think that's all I've got for tonight. I'm rather sleepy. Until next time.